Happy Hurts

It started on a bright Sunday afternoon, I was just returning from church, tired and hungry….trying to imagine how i was going to munch on my lunch which of course in this part of the world is mostly rice and stew.. anyway as I was just walking home I turned to my left and there he was, standing tall, leaning behind a clean Toyota muscle.making a phone call. On sighting him, I was like whaoooo fresh dude and please don’t blame me, I love love fine guys but in as much as I was admiring, I didn’t want to fall my hand so I just carried my face away and walked past him but still muttering a silent prayer in my head….”oh God let him call me”.

Just as I moved three steps away, I heard a voice behind me…”hello babe, can I talk to you” I acted like I did not even hear him and was waiting for the second one of which he did call out again….”Angel please can I have 5minutes of your time”. At that moment I turned and faced him and gave him that charming, seductive smile of mine knowing fully well it was going to bring him down to his knees. As we talked, I found out he was fun to be with and I said to myself “hmmm he might just be the one” don’t blame me, I was a really single girl. We exchanged contact details and agreed on seeing each other again. Damn, I was so excited as I walked home happily actually erasing my mind off the rice and stew awaiting me and focusing on Jude, the cute guy I just met.

It happened so fast, we met after some days and it was like I have known him forever. We talked, laughed, made jokes. It was PERFECT.

Days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months and  we were already in love and crazy about each other. We were everywhere together, name it: church, eateries, his family house etc. to me, I was already his wife, I was genuinely HAPPY……

Like they say, all that glitters is not gold…..8 months into our relationship, Jude started acting funny and giving me different signals, I was scared, I didn’t want to lose him, he was my life, my very existence or so I thought. It pushed me into doing something I have never done…I started going through his phones, checking his mails, pictures, you name it, I was practically obsessed with him cause I thought then that my life would be over without him, I had never loved in that manner before.

During my investigation, I would find text messages sent to different girls, telling them how he loved them and all and whenever I confronted him he would get angry with me and ignore me to the point that he would stop talking to me, and me being the foolish one, I would cry and still end up apologizing to him….those were the worst days of my life. I knew the relationship was falling apart, I knew I was losing him but I still held on, I still allowed him to use me and hurt me cause I mistook my stupidity for love.

As time went on, it became worse, the angel I met on that Sunday became a monster overnight. He cursed at me with every opportunity he gets, he demoralized me and made me feel ugly, less appreciated and he made me feel unworthy and those were basically the reasons I stayed cause I told myself how will I ever find someone to love me at this point in my life if this guy can look down on me this way. I stopped dressing nice, I stopped looking good. I effortlessly tried to satisfy him in cooking, in bed, in ensuring his family was ok with me…I did basically everything but it seemed as if the more I did, the more he hated me.

Am not saying am a perfect being, yes I have my flaws but there’s one thing I never did despite what I was going through, I never cheated on Jude. I just wanted him to love me cause I only saw myself with him. I was a student then, and he was a working class guy in another part of Nigeria, after some time, I was pushed to talk to him again amidst various conversations we have had already where he acted non-chalant about it. I asked him what I did wrong, where I went wrong and guess what he said “you are in school and you are having fun, so why shouldn’t I do my own” It took me months to realize that this so called ‘angel of mine’ was actually a womanizer and that he had always been a cheat even when I met him. I was too blinded by the feelings I had for him and his innocent looks which made him look sincere. I was at the point in my life where I was writing my final exams….it was a huge blow to me cause not only did I feel bad for him cheating on me but I realized he had no single regard or respect for me and there and then I made the decision and ended the 1year and some months relationship (what a waste). It was tough for me, it was hell. I would have seizures,be admitted to the hospital, cry every night. I regretted meeting him, it was like I had been dining with the devil all along. It ruined me, I lost control, I lost the ability to feel, to want or to need another person. I was off social media for a long time….i lost touch with reality. I was basically just existing.I stayed single for months to the point that to me sex was more like just get done with it…I thought it would heal me, I thought it would make me forget what I went through but nah, it did me no good till I decided to be celibate which was quite easy cause am a ‘demisexual’.

To cut the long story short….it was an experience that I don’t want to ever have in mind and also I don’t want to forget cause it taught me a lesson. I might have not said the whole details but it’s not something to write home about. In essence I just want to say that we should look before we leap, I believe there are worse situations that have happened to others, way worse than any of us could even imagine but still, I feel I should use this medium to talk to others. Right now I feel am still going through the healing process till I find the one I can truly love without fears and without having pistanthrophobia. There’s always someone out there for everyone, we just have to take it easy, not because he’s a fine guy or she’s a fine girl makes everything okay. It’s time to look beyond the physical and leave when the signs are there. It’s time to live and love for your own happiness.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s